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Before and after essays
View an example essay below in its original form and the final version, along with the edits and critique notes that would help the author take the essay to the next level.
The following are two personal statements. The first essay is a typical example of what students submit in their school applications. In it, the writer hints at story but doesn’t tell one, lists his traits rather than proves that he has them, and regurgitates his academic resume, which ultimately results in a boring, generic read.
In the second example, you’ll see what happens when the writer shares stories — or moments — in his essay. This personal statement gives the reader something interesting to latch onto, demonstrates the writer’s character, and advances the argument for why he wants to be a doctor in a compelling, authentic way. The result is a personal statement that is, well, personal, which is exactly what it should be.
Before: Without story, essays can be bland and forgettable.
After: Stories create connection.
